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In truth I suppose this should be titled "How my Unschooler has Learned to Write" or maybe "Can a Kid Really Write Without Sequential Lessons?" Let's talk about curriculum for a second. Curriculum is an artifical construct - something not found in real life - that's created to progress the skill of 20-30 kids at the same time and in the same way in a classroom setting. There's nothing natural about that from the standpoint of evolutionary biology. I'm not saying we should never have classrooms or curriculum. Heck I'm finishing up my 2nd masters and have 40 doctoral credits. I'm familiar with curriculum. Thing is, I chose this path of my own free will because the degrees mean something to me. On the other hand, most kids would not willingly choose any or much curriculum if they knew there were alternatives; and curriculum is by no means the only or most natural way of learning a skill. It's not how humans generally learn. It's not how humans evolved to learn. That's what I mean when I say it's an artificial construct. I mean it's something people have made up for a specific purpose and place. We all accept that each child learns to walk and talk in their own time and their own way. If I were to propose talking classes for toddlers it would sound ludicrous to you. But what's the difference between talking lessons and writing lessons? If humans are capable of learning spoken speech all on their own can't they also learn the intricacies of written speech all on their own? Yep. They can! And unschoolers are great evidence of that. I can hear the arguments running through your head, because many of the same ran through my head at one time or another...
Take a deep breathe! Trust Children. Nothing could be more simple - or more difficult. Difficult, because to trust children we must trust ourselves - and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted. John Holt I find John Holt's quote there eternally inspiring and endlessly challenging. My daughter Helena has dyslexia. Though she could sound out a few words at 4 she didn't start reading early readers until age 8 and to this day letters still flip 360 degrees in all directions sometimes. The biggest mistake I ever made was trying an Orton Gillingham curiculum and forcing reading. She HATED it and it put a strain on our relationship. I backed off because I valued our connection and didn't want her to hate reading. We eventually learned from Davis' book, The Gift of Dyslexia, what a cool process her brain is capable of in shifting things for increased awareness and understandng. It's pretty brilliant actually! The same book also helped her be conscious of the process and able to put her "mind's eye" in the order needed for reading.
In the ensuing years, Helena has challenged everything I once believed about education and how children learn, specifically the role of reading and writing in learning. (Hint: it's super overrated!) Over the years I've learned - sometimes the hard way - to back off my fears, to focus on connection and relationship first, and to trust her. In time she's shown me that she is learning all the "basics" in ways that are uniquely and beautifully her own, on her own timetable, and not at all the way I would have predicted or planned. In 4th grade she came to me wanting to write an APA style research paper like I do for grad school. She decided she wanted to write it on snowy leopards and her primary question was "Do snowy leopards in zoos have more toxins in their blood than those in the wild due to being closer to civilization or are toxins higher in wild cats from environmental pollutants?" Wow! That sounded more like a doctoral thesis than a 4th grade project, but ok. Together we read a few library books on these cats, made notes on cards and organized them into piles of topics, and then delved into Google scholar and peer-reviewed articles. We never were able to answer her question but we did learn a ton and had fun! And her paper impressed our public school teacher/neighbor. I think it's important to note that prior to this Helena had never written more than a couple of sentences. There was on linear progression from sentences to paragraphs to essays to research papers. But what if she hadn't done this paper? No problem, she'd learn APA fomatting and about peer-reviewed scientific literature later - if and when she needed that info. After this project, Helena wrote nothing for a long time. Then in 5th grade she wanted to write fiction. She used voice dictation to write down her stories and met with local homeschool mom and international award winning author Jennifer Roy for a writing club. Jennifer wisely advised "Don't make her finish what she starts writing" explaining that she'd lose the joy in it if forced and telling me that she herself started stories all the time as a child that she never finished. Sage advice even if it did leave me hanging in suspense a number of times when not one story was finished. In 6th grade Helena wrote and published a few articles for iGen21.com and created her website Paws for Herbs. In 7th grade, thus far, she's begun one story. You can read it here on her IG account. I read it and thought, "Wow! This. Without worksheets, grammar lessons, or forced writing...!" It's a great beginning for a story!" Thoughout the years I've exposed Helena to topic sentences, making a heartmap to get ideas out and turning that into an outline, basic parts of speech by playing MadLibs, and other proper grammar and punctuation mostly by noting when it's improper in articles, books, and so on. No worksheets needed. Just living real life. Your own child's path to learning written speech might look very different from Helena's, and that's ok! Bottom line is if you're living life together with an ounce of intention it will happen. And let me tell you from exprience... there are MANY college students, graduate students even, who can't string together a coherent paragraph with a topic sentence, supporting sentences, and conclusion. 12 years of curriculum and they never learned the basics! Trust your child to learn. They mastered the spoken word in their own unique way and will master the written word likewise.
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Nature is healing to children!!!Here's a great video to enjoy and share showing how time in nature is scientifically proven to benefit children.   There's a post going around FB and the internet of a woman whose 3 children - I think the oldest was 8 - forgot, after a long busy day, to look the ice cream server in the eye and to say thank you to her or to mom. So mom grabbed their ice creams and threw them all in the trash to "teach them a lesson!" The general consensus in our authoritarian culture is "bravo mom" but I want to share a different way of thinking for your consideration. To my way of thinking... if I wouldn't take an adult's ice cream who forgot to say thank you, then I wouldn't disrespect a child that way either. And if actions speak louder than words, what have this mom's actions taught her kids? That might equals right? That it doesn't matter if you're sincere as long as you say the right words to keep authority happy? That mom's gifts are conditional? Reinforced their ideas that she's "the meanest mom ever" a title she says she holds proudly? Not things I want to teach my kid. I'd rather work really hard to demonstrate respect to Helena, to treat her as I'd want to be treated, and to accept that she's imperfect just as I am, and to be on her team to help her improve. I never want her to be motivated by fear or remembering to do something for fear. I want her to act not out of fear but out of the values she holds in her heart. This motivation for action issue is REALLY important to me! How many people take years trying to figure out what's important to them or have no idea what their values are because they've spent their lives obeying authority out of fear? I'd rather Helena feel free to mess up around me and that she know that I'm her partner, her trusted friend, to help her fix things and do better next time. I want her to feel safe around me. That way, when she starts acting mindfully and kindly and respectfully I know she's doing it not out of fear of authority but because SHE IS mindful and respectful and kind. And, to my way of thinking, kids learn values of respect when they're shown respect. Kids treated with respect don't really have anything to rebel against. To me, my relationship with my kid is more important than if she gets everything right. I think because of that she respects me - as I respect her - and is open to my feedback on things. She knows I'm on her team and not pitted against her to somehow "keep her in line." She knows I trust her to do her best and to be kind and so she does. She knows that just as I remind her if she forgets to say thank you or was rude - she can remind me if I forgot to say thank you or did something that's against our strongly held value of kindness and respect. And just as I'd expect her to listen respectfully and take seriously what I say to her, she knows I will do the same to her. Kids raised this way don't need to rebel. There's nothing to rebel against! It's so rare to see kids really rebel who are treated this way. A very occasional push of a boundary maybe, but nothing more. Respect becomes a way of life and a strongly held value. On the other hand... Kids who fear punishment learn to be sneaky. Kids who fear punishment learn to lie. If your kid thinks you're mean and not on their side and out to curtail their freedom .... who will they go to when they need help? We all turn to our friend when we need help. So yes, it's not only ok but important to be your kid's friend. How will they act when confronted with a school bully? Will they tell you when they've been confronted by an internet predator? Will they come running to you when their boyfriend or girlfriend is abusive? If they're feeling pressured to be sexually active or to drink or try drugs are they going to tell you and discuss it with you? I think we only have to look at the statistics on these issues to know how often teens go to their peers instead of to the adults who have the power to help them in these situations. I think we only have to look at the statistics to realize how often kids end up in trouble without an adult to help them in these kinds of situations. So yeah there are those statistics, but they're not even what motivates me. My relationship with my kid, and her health, and my love for her, and my deep respect for her as a fellow human being are what motivate me. So back to the ice cream lady... Nope. I'm not ok with that kind of treatment. She expects her kids to be considerate and respectful, but she wears "worse mom EVER" as a badge of pride. It's so sad to me. Kids who feel uber controlled and disrespected grow up and finally get to take their place as king of the mountain, dolling out the control and disrespect this time. A vicious cycle... generation after generation... So what would I do if Helena forgot to say thank you? Simple... I'd say thanks and then she'd say it too. Or if somehow she still forgot, I'd remind her, maybe through a question, "Hey did you say thank you to the lady?" But seriously, this is such a non issue for us. Helena's usually the one making an older woman's day by complementing them on a necklace or the sparkles on their blouse or whatever... She's just kind and polite to people everywhere we go because that's what she's known for the 10 short years of her life. If you're thinking, "But my kid isn't like that!" then practice treating them with respect, practice tearing down the walls between you, practice listening - really listening and hearing them and taking them seriously; practice being their friend; include them on discussions on values and beliefs and honor their opinions. You'll be surprised how friendly they become in return. But it might take a lot of time for them to think you don't have any ulterior motive other than love and respect, and only then will they reciprocate. I'm thrilled to be part of some circles of gentle and peaceful parenting and whole life unschooling where I see parents with incredible relationships with their teens and hear about teens who discuss all of life's issues openly with their parents. That's what I'm going for! My kiddo is a beautiful amazing human being and I am privileged to be her mom which means I am also her friend.  |
Rebecca Grace AndrewsWelcome! I'm a college professor, herbalist, writer and photographer. Archives
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