There's a post going around FB and the internet of a woman whose 3 children - I think the oldest was 8 - forgot, after a long busy day, to look the ice cream server in the eye and to say thank you to her or to mom. So mom grabbed their ice creams and threw them all in the trash to "teach them a lesson!"

The general consensus in our authoritarian culture is "bravo mom" but I want to share a different way of thinking for your consideration.
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To my way of thinking... if I wouldn't take an adult's ice cream who forgot to say thank you, then I wouldn't disrespect a child that way either.

And if actions speak louder than words, what have this mom's actions taught her kids? That might equals right? That it doesn't matter if you're sincere as long as you say the right words to keep authority happy? That mom's gifts are conditional? Reinforced their ideas that she's "the meanest mom ever" a title she says she holds proudly?

Not things I want to teach my kid.

I'd rather work really hard to demonstrate respect to Helena, to treat her as I'd want to be treated, and to accept that she's imperfect just as I am, and to be on her team to help her improve. I never want her to be motivated by fear or remembering to do something for fear. I want her to act not out of fear but out of the values she holds in her heart.

This motivation for action issue is REALLY important to me! How many people take years trying to figure out what's important to them or have no idea what their values are because they've spent their lives obeying authority out of fear? I'd rather Helena feel free to mess up around me and that she know that I'm her partner, her trusted friend, to help her fix things and do better next time. I want her to feel safe around me.

That way, when she starts acting mindfully and kindly and respectfully I know she's doing it not out of fear of authority but because SHE IS mindful and respectful and kind. 

And, to my way of thinking, kids learn values of respect when they're shown respect. Kids treated with respect don't really have anything to rebel against. To me, my relationship with my kid is more important than if she gets everything right. I think because of that she respects me - as I respect her - and is open to my feedback on things. She knows I'm on her team and not pitted against her to somehow "keep her in line." She knows I trust her to do her best and to be kind and so she does. She knows that just as I remind her if she forgets to say thank you or was rude - she can remind me if I forgot to say thank you or did something that's against our strongly held value of kindness and respect. And just as I'd expect her to listen respectfully and take seriously what I say to her, she knows I will do the same to her. 

Kids raised this way don't need to rebel. There's nothing to rebel against! It's so rare to see kids really rebel who are treated this way. A very occasional push of a boundary maybe, but nothing more. Respect becomes a way of life and a strongly held value.

On the other hand...
Kids who fear punishment learn to be sneaky.
Kids who fear punishment learn to lie. 

If your kid thinks you're mean and not on their side and out to curtail their freedom .... who will they go to when they need help? We all turn to our friend when we need help. So yes, it's not only ok but important to be your kid's friend.

How will they act when confronted with a school bully?
Will they tell you when they've been confronted by an internet predator? 
Will they come running to you when their boyfriend or girlfriend is abusive?
If they're feeling pressured to be sexually active or to drink or try drugs are they going to tell you and discuss it with you? 

I think we only have to look at the statistics on these issues to know how often teens go to their peers instead of to the adults who have the power to help them in these situations. I think we only have to look at the statistics to realize how often kids end up in trouble without an adult to help them in these kinds of situations.

So yeah there are those statistics, but they're not even what motivates me. My relationship with my kid, and her health, and my love for her, and my deep respect for her as a fellow human being are what motivate me.

So back to the ice cream lady... Nope. I'm not ok with that kind of treatment. She expects her kids to be considerate and respectful, but she wears "worse mom EVER" as a badge of pride. It's so sad to me. Kids who feel uber controlled and disrespected grow up and finally get to take their place as king of the mountain, dolling out the control and disrespect this time. A vicious cycle... generation after generation...

So what would I do if Helena forgot to say thank you? Simple... I'd say thanks and then she'd say it too. Or if somehow she still forgot, I'd remind her, maybe through a question, "Hey did you say thank you to the lady?" But seriously, this is such a non issue for us. Helena's usually the one making an older woman's day by complementing them on a necklace or the sparkles on their blouse or whatever... She's just kind and polite to people everywhere we go because that's what she's known for the 10 short years of her life. 

If you're thinking, "But my kid isn't like that!" then practice treating them with respect, practice tearing down the walls between you, practice listening - really listening and hearing them and taking them seriously; practice being their friend; include them on discussions on values and beliefs and honor their opinions. You'll be surprised how friendly they become in return. But it might take a lot of time for them to think you  don't have any ulterior motive other than love and respect, and only then will they reciprocate. 

I'm thrilled to be part of some circles of gentle and peaceful parenting and whole life unschooling where I see parents with incredible relationships with their teens and hear about teens who discuss all of life's issues openly with their parents. That's what I'm going for! My kiddo is a beautiful amazing human being and I am privileged to be her mom which means I am also her friend. 

We're required in NYS to teach state history at least once between grades 1-8.
Here are a few of the super fun ways we've explored our state's history over the years.... 

River of Dreams: The Story of the Hudson River is a beautifully written and illustrated book, available at most libraries, that chronicles the history of our state as pertaining to the Hudson River. From the Natives who lived along it, to Henry Hudson's voyages, the settlements on its shores by the Dutch, the English who came thereafter, the trains and canals and ships that carried goods by it, the ice transported from it around the world, the industrialization and pollution of it, and the cleaning of it. Oh and how can I forget... one of our favorite parts, the Hudson River School Painters! 

Along with this book we also read Thomas Locker's beautifully illustrated book Hudson: The Story of a River. 

​We visited Olana, the home of Hudson River School painter Frederic Church, an amazing place not only full of art, but the shaping of the landscape and the architecture itself is a work of art. Completely amazing!! 

We visited the home of Hudson River School painter Thomas Cole as well. 

We visited Crailo, an old Dutch home turned museum in Albany, NY. Wait till you see the crazy beds they slept in due to a superstition against lying down to sleep!!

We've been many times to the NYS Museum in Albany. Many super cool exhibits, hand's on, interactive, stories, and more here. 

Last year we studied the Revolutionary era. Helena watched the Liberty Kids videos on YouTube and we discussed the main events leading up to the war and main characters of the era.  Needless to say, much of the Revolution was fought in NYS.. 

We visited Oriskany Battlefield and did the walking tour there. 

We visited Fort Stanwix and took a private tour (one of many advantages of being homeschooled!). The docent was quite impressed with Helena's questions and knowledge, based largely on what she learned from Liberty Kids. 

One of these days we hope to get to General Herkimer Home, Saratoga Battlefield, and some of the Erie Canal museums.... We'd also like to get further downstate to see Washington Irving's house since we've read about and learned about his stories.

We've also read books of the Erie Canal era from the library; we've learned about worker's unions from another cartoon we saw (name escapes me). We've read library books on the history of NYC and NYS history/facts. 

We've read Farmer Boy about 19th century upstate NY farm life. We've visited the Farmer's Museum in Cooperstown. 

We've been to the Iroquois Museum, to Native American events, read many books about Native Americans in this region... Helena went to wilderness school for a few years for 10 weeks in fall and spring and explored primitive skills of this state's history. 

We've been on the Indian Ladder Trail that joined the Iroquois Trail (now the NYS thruway) to the Helderberg Mt region and into the Catskill mountains. We've studied the physical geography of the region, very visible along the Indian Ladder Trail. 

Finally we've attended political rallies and events covering current issues in NYS history. 

I'm sure there's a lot more I'm missing without looking over all of our quarterly reports... 

Bottom line: why learn NYS history from a textbook when you can get out, explore, and see it all for yourself!!??





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This is not a post chock-full of scientific data but you can easily find the data online... just a few brief thoughts on health and behavior... I'll try to post more with more links to research at later dates. I just want to get a bit of info up so people can be empowered to know where to look for more info to make informed choices. :) 

I'm increasingly hearing stories of kids who, despite gentle loving parents, are angry, hyper, and acting out in violent ways. In so many cases, the parents change the diet of the child and the behavior dramatically changes as well. 

Here are a number of case studies... 


What makes this confusing is that the food the child can't have isn't usually, technically speaking, an allergy. More often it's a sensitivity. The results can be disastrous none-the-less. "A food allergy causes an immediate reaction which signals the body to produce histamine. In some cases, this IgE reaction requires prompt medical attention. A food intolerance, on the other hand, results in a delayed IgG reaction" The "delay" might be mere hours to days. But the food causing the IgG reaction most often won't show up on an allergy test. To learn more, check out the "food allergy" link in this paragraph from which this quote was taken.

Some common culprits of food sensitivities are artificial flavors and colors, corn syrup, wheat, dairy, and corn amongst others. An elimination diet, while difficult will usually show you the culprit pretty easily. Most folks find immediate results with cutting out artificial flavors and colors and corn syrup and sometimes preservatives. Beyond that, wheat, dairy, or corn are usually tried. Sometimes it's more complicated and eggs or another common healthy food is the issue. Sugar is a trigger for many kids as well and is hidden in almost every packaged food you buy. Please read ingredients on every food you buy!!

Here's someone's personal experience with elimination diet and food sensitivities:


Feingold diet has some excellent info on helping people to identify natural components of food that can cause reactions in some children/people. I'm not a huge fan of them because they still promote a lot of packaged junky foods rather than a gut-healing, whole foods diet. But they can be a great resource to begin with and a lifesaver when you need to buy something quick and packaged.

Omega 3 fish oil supplements from a reputable company such as Nordic or Green Pastures are invaluable for any emotional and/or behavioral issues! Please, please don't buy cheapo omega 3 or fish oil from your local big box store. They are infamous for their supplements not being what they claim to be. Additionally, there are issues with purity in fish oil that need to be accounted for and are accounted for by Nordic or Green Pastures.

What are omega 3's? They're an essential fatty acid - meaning the body can't make them and they MUST come from diet - responsible in part for the healthy functioning of the nervous system which includes the brain, the hormones, the emotions, healthy child development and so on... 

What foods contain Omega 3 fats? Omega 3's come in two forms: a vegetable form found in things like walnuts and flax seeds that the body must convert to usable form. The body can't make this conversion, however, unless it's already in peak healthy condition. The second form comes from oily, wild-caught fish; 100% grass-fed and grass-finished beef and dairy; eggs from hens that have access to green fields and bugs; chickens who had access to green fields and bugs and so on. Needless to say, these food are mostly 100% absent from our diets today. 

The other tricky issue is that we need Omega 3 fats in correct ratio to Omega 6 fats which are in all vegetable oils: corn oil, olive oil, sunflower oil, canola oil and all the other oils our processed/packaged foods today are full of! (Again, read ingredient lists!) The proper ratio is about 1:3 Omega 3's to Omega 6's. Even better is a 1:1 ratio. Yet the average American diet contains about a 20:1 ratio !! That means 20 grams Omega 6 per every 1 gram of Omega 3. 

And if the ratio of Omega 3 to Omega 6 fats is not correct, if there are far more Omega 6's, then the body can't even use the few Omega 3's it ingests!! 

This is why I almost always recommend people take an Omega 3 supplement! Most Americans are not getting enough. And research is finding supplementation helpful for everything from halting schizophrenia to ameliorating ADHD.

Another great resource for people with behavioral problems in their children is Dr S. Newmark's book ADHD without Drugs. I don't agree with all of his behavioral modification techniques, but his dietary info is excellent! I've seen dramatic turn arounds in children's behavior after parents have adopted some of the simple advice in this book! 

We live in a world where a small handful of companies own the majority of the food in that is produced. Our world is full of toxins and increasingly children are unhealthy. One thing we have to remember is that our body is made, developed, grows, heals, - or gets sick - in response to nutrients. If we don't get nutrients we will pay either now or later (with the exception of a few lucky individuals that we all probably know at least 1 of). It's estimated that 1 in 3 people will get cancer in the coming years and that this generation of children will be the first in generations to not outlive the lifespan of their parents. Maybe I'll post later on the rampant rise in diseases... 

This info is not meant to scare us, only to make us realize that health really is important and we can't just go along with the standard American diet - SAD - if we expect to be healthy. We do have to go out of our way to make changes, to heal our guts (another post on that later), to eliminate toxins wherever we can. Again, not living in fear, but in awareness, not motivated out of fear but out of a desire for health and harmony.